Wisdom from Polonius
Ten from Will Rogers
- I originated a remark many years ago that I think has been copied more than any little thing that I’ve every said, and I used it in the FOLLIES of 1922. I said America has a unique record. We never lost a war and we never won a conference in our lives. I believe that we could without any degree of egotism, single-handed lick any nation in the world. But we can’t confer with Costa Rica and come home with our shirts on.
- Lord, the money we do spend on Government and it’s not one bit better than the government we got for one-third the money twenty years ago.
- Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
- So when all the yielding and objections is over, the other Senator said, “I object to the remarks of a professional joker being put into the Congressional Record.” Taking a dig at me, see? They didn’t want any outside fellow contributing. Well, he had me wrong. Compared to them I’m an amateur, and the thing about my jokes is that they don’t hurt anybody. You can say they’re not funny or they’re terrible or they’re good or whatever it is, but they don’t do no harm. But with Congress—every time they make a joke it’s a law. And every time they make a law it’s a joke.
- And kid Congress and the Senate, don't scold em. They are just children that's never grown up. They don't like to be corrected in company. Don't send messages to em, send candy.
- You’ve got to be [an] optimist to be a Democrat, and you’ve got to be a humorist to stay one.
- I am not a member of any organized party—I am a Democrat.
- There is no credit to being a comedian, when you have the whole Government working for you. All you have to do is report the facts. I don’t even have to exaggerate.
- I have always said that a conference was held for one reason only, to give everybody a chance to get sore at everybody else. Sometimes it takes two or three conferences to scare up a war, but generally one will do it.
- When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: “I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I didn't like.” I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
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