Chuckles of the Week
Keeping Up with the Joneses
The entire neighborhood celebrated the arrival of the New Year, with guests from near and far. The Jones party, however, continued into the wee hours, so that the Morgans thought it excessive and telephoned the police. Reluctantly, the chief dispatched two cars, but, with instructions only to observe, unless the party became so raucous that they felt they must interfere. So the two patrol cars parked nearby. It happened that, shortly after their arrival, the Jones party began to break up.
The police, as was natural, observed the departing guests, looking for signs of inebriation as they approached their cars. Their eyes were immediately caught by the staggering of one of the men, who, as the fellow guests got into their cars and drove away, seemed to have trouble descending the relatively few steps in front of the house. The officers were convinced that he was alcohol-impaired, so climbed out of their cars and approached him.
"Sir," said the sergeant in charge, “we regret that we must ask you to breathe into this mechanism." The gentleman, unsteady on his feet, nodded, and followed orders. Surprisingly, he passed the Breathalyzer test without trouble. No trace of alcohol.
The sergeant, very puzzled, then asked him to attempt to walk a straight line, which, much to the amazement of the police detail, he did without any difficulty.
Finally, the sergeant said, "As you left the house, not to put too fine a point on it, you appeared to be drunk, yet you passed the breath test with flying colors, and have no trouble walking a straight line perfectly! Can you explain what is going on?"
"Of course, sergeant. You see, knowing that I am a teetotaler, my fellow party goers appointed me. I am the 'designated decoy'."
Late Breaking News
as reported by Andy Borowitz
God Denies Talking to Pat Robertson
-- Supreme Being Calls Televangelist 'Delusional'
God Almighty, apparently having run out of patience with American televangelist and erstwhile politician Pat Robertson, held a press conference denouncing the latest delusional ravings of "Reverend Pat," according to syndicated columnist Andy Borowitz.
Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his 700 Club program that God warned him of "mass killings" in the U.S. late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist.
For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference held at the Chicago Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition.
But appearing before the press in His trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said that He decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because "I had to set the record straight about this."
"I want to make it clear that at no time at the end of the year did I have any conversation with the Rev. Pat Robertson," the Supreme Being said. "Personally, I think the guy is delusional."
God then distributed His personal phone logs for the month of December to prove that He had in fact no contact with the Rev. Robertson.
"I don't make a habit of talking to TV personalities," God emphasized. "Although on New Year's Eve I did have a brief chat with Ryan Seacrest to wish him good luck."
Answering a reporter's question, God acknowledged that with war raging around the globe, 2006 had been a "difficult year" for the forces of goodness, but He remained upbeat, pointing to some of His accomplishments in the year just past.
"At least I got Judith Regan fired," He said.
Elsewhere, Britney Spears checked into a rehab center after being driven there by her one-year-old son, Sean Preston.
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